The Morons' Manifesto

Stephen Fry on his voting intentions

2010-04-22T19:23:00.004+01:00

Stephen Fry broke a long and only-occasionally-interrupted Twitter silence 33 minutes ago to say, and I quote:

"Frankly I'm tempted to vote Lib Dem now. If we let the Telegraph and Mail
win, well, freedom and Britain die."

Steve (I'm calling him Steve now) has almost 1.5 million Twitter followers. Thanks to the right-wing press, today has been a very good day for Nick Clegg.

Richard Madeley on TV debates

2010-04-22T12:46:00.004+01:00

I do love Richard Madeley, in a way. I love how Alan Partridge he can be, how he doesn't seem to mind, and how he takes himself embarrassingly seriously but nobody else does. He's the Craig David of daytime TV.

This week's Madeleywatch sees him striding about on Hampstead Heath to a Keane soundtrack, all windswept hair and 'seriousface', wibbling on about the Lib Dems and how they have a chance of power because of last week's TV debate.

Is he a Clegg fan? Is he bandwagon-jumping? Is he just firing seemingly random words out of his face? Who knows? Who cares? Madeley, that's who.

Devastatingly for Nick Clegg, Madeley claims that he reminds him of Tony Blair. He seems to be presenting this as a good thing, but then goes on to mention how devoid of meaning Blair's rhetoric was.

"It [the debate] reminded me of an interview that Judy and I did in 1996 with
Tony Blair, the year before he was elected Prime Minister. He was in
shirtsleeves, he talked a very good game, he looked confident, he looked
suntanned. And afterwards, as we examined what he'd actually said, there was
nothing much of substance there at all, but within three or four minutes of the
interview beginning, it was clear - to both of us at least - that we were
talking to the next Prime Minister."

Madeley, as we've discovered before, calls himself a lefty and is certainly a Blairite. What's he saying here? That he likes substanceless politics and that he thinks Clegg is Blair's natural successor? Oh dear. This could be more damaging to the Clegg campaign than any amount of right-wing media muck-raking. If anyone listened to Madeley, that is.

The video is here: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/programmes/this_week/8631904.stm

Patrick Moore on Britain

2010-04-20T14:32:00.004+01:00

Astronomer Patrick Moore is a UKIP supporter and made this campaign video on their behalf, just before the European elections last year. In it, he claims that UKIP is the only party that can offer new regulations and new laws to "put Britain back on track".

I used to like Patrick Moore. I'm saying nothing.

Robert Webb on floating voters

2010-04-17T15:04:00.011+01:00

Robert Webb has said some things in the Telegraph today that have confused me.

I like Robert Webb - like his partner in comedy David Mitchell, he has the intelligence and the passion to talk about politics in a way that connects with people who are not necessarily going to pay a fiver for each manifesto and go through them all with a highlighter. (Incidentally, the Tory one is too expensive for me to buy at the moment - I'm waiting for it to come out in paperback).

But this kind of influence should be taken pretty seriously. None of us are really going to listen to what Geri Halliwell or Alex Reid has got to say, but the words of someone like Webb are likely to hold a bit more sway, particularly with the fairly left-wing middle class people who watch Peep Show.

His article states that "most people decided who to vote for years ago" and suggests that those who haven't yet made up their minds are either kidding themselves or too easily influenced. And I quote:

"You're over 18 and you went to school and you can read and write and
you've seen the news and you know the odd bit of modern history and you're…
what? You let the 'creatives' from marketing companies call you
'undecided'?"

"It just seems that those of us who were interested in politics when we
were teenagers found ourselves to be built a certain way. For the likes of us,
whether Lefties or Righties... that was basically that."

I can see his point - I know that I'm left-wing. I know that I'm not going to vote Tory this time, and I'm very unlikely to ever vote Tory from now until the day I die.

But simply knowing the difference between left- and right-wing politics and knowing which camp your beliefs fall into doesn't necessarily tie you to a certain party. Webb's logic runs this way: I am left-wing, therefore I vote Labour. He says he has always voted Labour and always intends to - isn't this a little narrow-minded?

I'm not saying he shouldn't vote Labour - I've voted Labour before and might still do so this year - but it's not just about choosing a party that suits you and blindly following them your whole life. Your needs change; the country's needs change.

And if he's voting for left-wingedness over everything... am I the only one who thinks the LibDems are coming across as by far the more left-wing party this time around?

The Telegraph article can be found here. It's funny and well-written, and one of the comments below it equates Webb to Robert Mugabe, which is hilarious.

Gary Barlow on OH NO DON'T MAKE ME SAY IT I CAN'T SAY IT

2010-04-16T11:47:00.004+01:00

Gary Barlow is supporting the Tories.

Here's a Sky News link to coverage of Barlow actually SINGING 'Greatest Day' at some sort of Conservative rally in Cheshire. *Deletes that song from iPod forever*

According to this article in the Crewe Chronicle, the performance took place at Brine Leas High School, where "children mobbed Conservative party leader David Cameron and Take That star Gary Barlow". Mobbing by association, Cammo - that's pretty low.

When Mark Owen admitted all those affairs and drinking and whatnot, I considered what this would mean for my Take That fandom. They should be touring next year - should I refuse to buy a ticket in protest? And then I thought "no, that would go against my principles - he has atoned for his sins and paid the price. He doesn't need me to judge him." Unfortunately, unless Barlow similarly atones for this disgraceful behaviour, I will have to think again.

A Tory rally at a SCHOOL. I ask you. We're supposed to get more right-wing as we get older - if those kids join the National Front as soon as they turn 18, Barlow will only have himself to blame.

JK Rowling on not voting Conservative

2010-04-15T00:41:00.004+01:00

Please can the next celebrity to comment on politics do so in an idiotic way? I'm begging you - Peter Andre, Jedward... the racist one out of S Club? Anyone.

If I read any more articles like this one (where JK Rowling confidently explains why the Conservatives' 'tax breaks for married couples' policy is both insulting and useless), I'll start to believe that looking to celebs for voting advice isn't that stupid after all.

Piers Morgan on David Cameron

2010-04-13T15:27:00.003+01:00

Tinned-ham-faced berk Piers Morgan has "hit out" at David Cameron for refusing to be interviewed by him, calling Cammo a "coward". Strong words, Morgan. Strong words.

Piers told Star magazine that Dave "could have had me but he went with Trevor McDonald," sounding a little like a rejected ex. Too right, Piers - you're worth a hundred Trevor McDonalds. Don't you listen to that nasty Tory bastard, it's his loss. One day you'll meet another political leader who really appreciates you, and then you'll be all "Dave who?".

"It's like [Cameron] being asked to do Jeremy Paxman but ending up with Fern Britton," he wailed. It's really not, Piers. It's like him choosing to be interviewed by a Tory supporter rather than a Labour one. It's the first logical thing he's done in years.

The Whole Internet on who to vote for

2010-04-10T15:53:00.004+01:00

A bit of a change of topic for this post - sorry people, no celebs this time (unless you count politicians).

I've been boring pretty much everyone I know with political "debate" (ahem) over the last few days, and one thing keeps cropping up: loads of people don't know who to vote for, and don't know how to decide.

So I thought I'd give you a brief guide to the various places on the internet that can help steer you towards a decision by May 6th.

REGISTERING TO VOTE

If you're not registered, go to About My Vote. (Here you can also check whether you're already registered, in case you did it and forgot about it). You need to do this by April 20th.

FINDING OUT WHO YOUR LOCAL MP IS

They Work For You is a great source of info - tap your postcode into the search box and it tells you what constituency you're in and who your MP is. It also tells you some basic info about that person - how long they've been in Parliament for, the things they're interested in and where they stand on some key topics.

There is also a section of the BBC Democracy Live site where you can do the same thing. This also gives a link to your MP's website and their email address.

FINDING OUT WHAT YOUR LOCAL MP HAS BEEN UP TO

You might be interested in exactly how your MP has voted on an issue you're concerned about: go to the Public Whip website, search for your MP's name or your postcode, and find out.

My own MP is Labour's Linda Gilroy, and I'm interested in whether she voted for or against the Digital Economy Bill this week. I'm self-employed and the introduction of the Bill would mean that, if ANY member of my household is caught using an illegal filesharing network, my internet connection could legally be cut off, leaving me unable to work. http://www.publicwhip.org.uk/ shows her entire voting record and yes, she did vote FOR this thing.

FINDING OUT WHICH OTHER CANDIDATES YOU CAN VOTE FOR

If you go to this page on BBC Politics and type your postcode into the top-right box (under 'Find your constituency') it will give you a list of all the candidates standing for election in your area. The easiest way to find out more about them is to Google their names and plough through their no doubt fascinating websites.

WRITING TO YOUR LOCAL MP AND ELECTION CANDIDATES

If you've been investigating what your local MP has been doing with their time in Parliament and you're not happy, tell them. Ask them what they think they're playing at. You don't have to know the ins and outs of all their policy decisions - that's their job. It's also their job to clearly explain what they're doing with your vote and/or your taxes.

You can find your local MP's email address if you search for them using that page I mentioned earlier, BBC Democracy Live. You can also contact your MP through http://www.writetothem.com/. If you'd like to write to the candidates who'll be standing for election in competition with your current MP, perhaps to ask them why they deserve your vote instead, their websites will give an email address and perhaps even a phone number if you're lucky.

FINDING OUT MORE ABOUT EACH PARTY

Let's face it: most people don't have much of a clue about their local MP and the point of a general election is to decide who should govern the whole country, not just your part of it. Plus, if you have a local MP like mine, they'll only vote against the general party line once in a blue moon anyway so you might as well just go by what their leader is saying and assume it applies to them too. So what are Brown, Cammo and Clegg promising, exactly?

Obviously the news channels and papers are good sources of info. The BBC is particularly good when it comes to elections, since it has to obey far more rules about preventing bias than the commercial channels. You can watch Question Time, This Week and The Daily Politics on the BBC iPlayer. Have I mentioned BBC Democracy Live? That's very good. Channel 4 News seems to do the job pretty well too, and it has Jon Snow.

You can go to each party's official website for pretty much all the info you can stand. These are...

http://www.conservatives.com/

http://www.labour.org.uk/

http://www.libdems.org.uk/

http://www.greenparty.org.uk/

http://www.ukip.org/

You could also follow a few politicians on Twitter. I'll warn you though: if you find it hard to listen to endless bitching and bickering, interspersed with cringeworthy ass-kissing (yes I'm looking at you, Alastair Campbell), you might want to hide all your sharp objects away first.

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UPDATE: The three main parties have now published their manifestos. The PDF files of each can be found here:

Conservative: http://bit.ly/bNuB4I Labour: http://bit.ly/b2mBe6 Lib Dem: http://bit.ly/9jrVlG

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DECIDING WHICH PARTY YOU AGREE WITH MOST

It's very unlikely you'll agree with everything a particular party has done or said - ideally, your voting decision is about finding a 'best fit' rather than perfection. There are a few online services that can help with this.

Lib Dem Voice does an interesting thing by giving each MP a rating based on how authoritarian or liberal they are. Again, enter your postcode into the search box and it will tell you how your MP ranks, which is quite enlightening. Unfortunately the site is run by Lib Dem supporters so it's biased - even the tags of 'authoritarian' and 'liberal' are subjective so it's unreliable. It would be nice if there was a similar independent site but I'm buggered if I can find one.

Vote Match and Who Should You Vote For both offer teen-magazine-style quizzes to determine which party best matches your values. Which is pretty useful, especially if you've always voted a particular way out of habit but your opinions have changed along the way.

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UPDATE: There's another quiz thing here, at Vote For Policies. It asks you which policy areas you're interested in, and then allows you to choose the approaches you prefer, with 'the big reveal' at the end... which party is offering what you want? Strangely, the majority of people who've used the site (28%) should be voting for the Green party.

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TACTICAL VOTING

The mere mention of tactical voting seems to strike fear into the hearts of some people, particularly those non-mathsy ones who think it might involve long division. I shall now explain tactical voting the only way I know how to explain anything: by concentrating on ME and me alone.

In my constituency, the Member of Parliament is a Labour member (Linda "eroding your civil liberties is what I am about" Gilroy). Her competition in the 2010 election will be a Conservative candidate, a Lib Dem one, and a UKIP one. In the last general election, in 2005, the Conservative candidate came second, with the Lib Dem one in third place.

If I had the only vote in the country and could elect a party all by myself, I'd vote Lib Dem, and Labour would be my second choice. However, I am not. In my constituency, it's going to be a battle between Labour and the Tories in first and second place (judging by last time), so it could be argued that, by voting for the Lib Dems, I'd be taking a valuable vote away from the Labour party and narrowing the gap between them and the Tories, possibly even allowing the Tories to snaffle the seat away and giving them one more MP in the House of Commons.

So, since I believe that Labour would be a better choice than the Tories, it would make sense to vote Labour instead of Lib Dem. That's why it's a tactical vote - it's not what I'd do ideally, but I'm "playing the game".

I found out how my constituency voted in 2005 by going here and typing my postcode in. You can do the same. There's more about tactical voting in this BBC article.

THINGS YOU CAN DO TO HELP

If the idea of a general election has got you more hand-flappingly excitable than Professor Brian Cox talking about conspiracy theories in a strong wind, you can help out in many ways.

If you've found a party that's really captured your enthusiasm and you want to help them win, visit their website (see above) and volunteer to do some canvassing. They always need people to hand out leaflets to potential voters, phone them or bother them on their own doorsteps during Neighbours.

You could instead volunteer to help an activism group like Hope Not Hate, which isn't affiliated with any party but campaigns against the election of the BNP.

And if you fancy helping out on election day at one of your local polling stations, you can apply to be an election observer (where you'll check to make sure the correct procedure is being followed and nobody's interfering with the ballot papers).

I THINK THAT'S IT

I think that's it. Have I missed anything? Any questions? Please leave a comment if you know of any other good websites for people who are unsure what to do with their vote. Your vote is a privilege and you should use it wisely.

Ross Kemp on voting Labour

2010-04-09T15:57:00.003+01:00

I like Ross Kemp. It's nice that there's someone on the celeb circuit who's such a laughing stock that the mere sound of their name, in any context, makes you chuckle a bit.

Now Kemp has written an article for the Mirror about why he's voting Labour and why you should vote Labour too. Ho ho ho. The article, in its glorious entirety, is here.

Highlights include:

"This isn't a beauty contest."

"People have short memories."

"It wasn't a happy time."

"Same leopard."

I can't help but imagine Kempo shouting these little catchphrases over the sound of gunfire with sand on his face.

Unfortunately for this blog, his article is actually fairly well considered and makes a bit of sense. Well, enough sense to make it worth arguing against if you don't take Ross Kemp entirely seriously. It must have been commissioned by the Tories.

Michael Caine on national citizen service

2010-04-08T17:40:00.007+01:00

Today Dave "Cammo" Cameron wheeled in professional cockney Michael Caine to help unveil a new thing called a "Tory policy". Heavens, they really are taking this election thing seriously.

Cammo would apparently like to introduce a cross between boot camp and spring break for post-GCSE kids. Voluntary, of course. So basically, a way in which parents can get rid of their moody teenagers for a couple of months if their moody teenagers are okay with it.

At today's press conference, Sir Michael said that the idea would help
young people who are "forgotten in this country" (by allowing their parents
to forget about them too). He added, "there is a very very hard core of [young]
people we have got to save."

"I'm here to represent young people", babbled Caine with his jowls
flapping about like poorly-ironed Union Jacks in the wind, "who, as I know
from personal experience, are deprived and ignored. And if you do that, they
will fight you." He also claimed that he'd be voting Tory in May. You
can watch part of his speech on the BBC website here.

Much as I dislike Caine, some of what he said made a bit of sense - I'm not sure he's putting his eggs in the right basket here, but at least he cares.

It's Cameron's rhetoric I really object to. The BBC quotes him thus: "Show me a gang taking drugs and I'll show you a group of people who have nothing to look forward to". Yeah well, show me a group of Tory MPs and I'll raise you a party that doesn't rely on cheap tricks and assume all disaffected young people would benefit from joining the army. I don't know where I'll find that party, exactly - I'm just saying.

Peta Todd on finding a polling station

2010-04-07T14:22:00.005+01:00

My attention has been drawn to another little video made by Radio 1's Newsbeat - like the "what would you do if you were PM?" video but more mental. It stars "Page 3 stunnah" Peta Todd (the above photo was the only suitable one I could find) and it tells first-time voters how to vote.

I am not complaining about the idea of this. Encouraging young people to vote is good, as I believe I've mentioned before. Presumably the keywords "23-year-old glamour model video" will get a lot of young men to pay attention, although perhaps not for long.

The instructions themselves, though, are ridiculous. Not only does Peta guide us through a website where we can register to vote without giving the actual name of the organisation or the site's URL, she also doesn't really seem to understand how one finds one's polling station. And I quote...

"On election day, keep your eyes peeled for big signs like this that say
'polling station' [points to sheet of paper saying POLLING STATION] -
they'll probably be in a school or a hall or something like that."

Excellent advice, Peta. If I somehow wander into a bogus polling station on May 6th and get beaten to death by a politically-motivated psychopath I will blame YOU.

By the way, that website where you can register to vote is this one. Heaven knows why the BBC can't promote it - perhaps it's not mad or 'yoof-oriented' enough and would show the Peta Todd video up for the insane idea it truly is. The Peta Todd video can be found here.

Various people on various stupid things

2010-04-07T02:44:00.008+01:00

The BBC recently asked a load of minor celebs what they'd do if they were Prime Minister for the day, and somehow managed to get less sense out of them than Heat got out of Alex Reid. Seriously.

Ricky Whittle would have a National Jelly Wrestling Day.

Sheree Murphy would give out free shoes.

Jamelia would force everyone to sing.

Emily Atack would find out whether aliens exist (not by ploughing more money into science - by sneaking around looking at all the secret Area 51 files, of course!).

Even the previously intelligent James May (JAMES MAY!) claimed that he'd declare "party time" in every UK park and public space. Because apparently that's what everyone wants. Bugger the economy - free booze all round.

When I first watched this clip (which is here if you really want to torture yourself), I misread the heading and assumed it was for Newsround, which has a target audience of 6-12 year olds. It's not - it's for NewsBEAT, part of the Radio 1 output, whose target audience is 16-24 year olds. Voting age, mainly.

Presumably every interviewee was told who they were talking to, and yet none of them could muster up an intelligent response. Why is this? Are celebs so terrified of seeming boring that they can't be serious just for a second? Or do they think this patronising drivel is what young people want to hear?

It would be nice if just one of them had said something clever - perhaps even something slightly political, or at least slightly interesting - something that might encourage a young voter to find out more about a topic. Clearly not.

What really bugs me is that some of them are intelligent, with quite strongly-held political views and probably a fair idea of what they'd do with a day of power. Why don't they share it with the rest of us? James May has nothing to lose by appearing fusty or boring, or even Conservative - DO IT, you coward. Get young people talking about politics - they'll thank you for it in the end. Jamelia presented a documentary a while back about the trade in hair extensions made from real human hair. It was rubbish, but it shows that she wants to be taken seriously - why not take this opportunity to say something about the exploitation you saw in India, Jamelia? DO IT.

When I was 17 (it was a very good year), back in the Blair / Britpop days, the NME asked a bunch of popstars to comment on what they'd do if they were in power for a day. They tried their best; they gave considered responses; most of them didn't have a clue about the intricacies of party politics but that was fine - neither did I. What they did have was a passion for democracy and for the role of politicians in creating a fairer society, and the balls to speak out. And the NME was one of a few publications that didn't treat its young readers like idiots. It declared Nicky Wire the PM of its "fantasy cabinet" and fired up thousands of readers' interest in politics, including mine.

Call me stupid, but I just don't think Holly Willoughby's tough stance on sugar-free chocolate bars is going to do the same thing for anyone.

Alex Reid on education

2010-04-07T01:15:00.007+01:00

On the very day that Gordon Brown finally announced the actual date that we're expected to place our votes (spoiler alert: May 6th), Alex Reid has told the world that he wants to run for PM. Oh excellent.

In an interview with Heat (yes, Heat - not Newsnight, unfair as it might seem), "The Reidinator" claimed to have some kind of knowledge about the national curriculum and how it should be altered to fit in with his worldview.

Excuse me if I retch while quoting.

"I'd consider going into politics. Prime Minister! I'd like that. I'd do it in
2013, 13 is my lucky number.
"I would change the school curriculum so kids
would learn more personal development things so they don't get depressed. I'd
also teach martial arts in schools because it's a brilliant way to bring kids
together.
"Also, I think people shouldn't work. People should do what they
love and then it's not work."

Fascinating and, I'm sure you'll agree, comprehensive. I await a gazillion imbeciles going "well I'd vote for him! He's well sexier than that Gordon Brahn, innit? LOLZ."

You can vote for Alex Reid by simply vomiting onto your ballot paper and then screwing it up into a tiny ball. Everyone will know what you mean.

Sarah Cawood and Mz Bratt on the National Bullying Helpline

2010-02-23T00:21:00.005Z

So, Sarah Cawood has resigned from her post as patron of the National Bullying Helpline. When I reported this yesterday, I hoped that she'd release a statement. The Press Association has quoted her thus:

"In light of the recent events where confidential phone calls were made public,
I feel it is no longer a campaign with which I would like my name to be
associated."

It's not much, but it's better than nothing.

In weirder news, the only "patron" of the charity not to have made a big song and dance about leaving has been Mz Bratt... who is a singer, apparently. (I'm 29). Her name appears last on the National Bullying Helpline website's list of patrons, but her management is denying that she is one, or has ever been one. Bratt herself is claiming (on her Twitter feed) that media enquiries about the scandal have come completely out of the blue.

*Scratches chin*. Hmmmm... anyone would think there was something dodgy going on.

Sarah Cawood on Brown's "bullying"

2010-02-22T17:26:00.007Z

You probably know that the last few days have seen Gordon Brown accused of bullying his staff. Since these allegations have surfaced, Christine Pratt of the National Bullying Helpline has been speaking to the media about her charity receiving "three or four" calls from Brown's staff.

This piece by Ben Goldacre addresses some of the reasons why Christine Pratt and the National Bullying Helpline shouldn't necessarily be trusted. For one thing, the charity isn't exactly politically unbiased - there are quotes from David Cameron and Ann Widdecombe on the website's homepage, for instance. And it seems more than a little strange that such a tiny charity should have received so many calls from one workplace.

Pratt is unafraid to breach the confidentiality of her callers by revealing who their employers are, but hides behind her so-called privacy policy in her many interviews now that she's out of her depth.

"Why does this have anything to do with Sarah Cawood?", I hear you ask. Well, the delightful TV presenter (and part-time actor - she was in Velvet Goldmine with Ewan McGregor) has been patron of the National Bullying Helpline since August 2009.

She probably joined the charity because she thought it represented a good cause, and perhaps bullying has affected her own life. But she was incredibly quick to take action on this: her PR has just announced that she has stepped down as patron. This may or may not have anything to do with her political opinions - it could be about her own image - but it shows that she doesn't agree with the charity's actions, and that's definitely a good thing. Well done, Sarah.

Let's hope she backs up her decision with a statement soon - if she feels she has enough influence to represent a charity in the media, she should be equally happy to set a good example by speaking out when that charity does something she disapproves of.

Jason Manford on Labour election promises

2010-02-22T16:54:00.004Z

Another Twitter exchange for you...

Ed Miliband (Secretary of State for Energy and Climate Change, and MP for
Doncaster North): I want to hear your ideas on what you want to see in our
manifesto.

Jason Manford (comedian): I want a Lemonade fountain on every street corner
& rope slides instead of buses.

Ed Miliband: Thanks! I'll see what I can do.

Jason Manford: Think @EdMilibandMP just won my vote, top fella.

I'll be looking out for this in the Labour manifesto. By the way, I'm not saying Manford is a moron for doing this - he's drawn attention to Miliband's generous offer, probably among lots of young voters, which is brilliant. I, for one, am currently working on a list of policies to send in.

If you want to make any suggestions, follow this link or contact him on Twitter.

Ewan McGregor on corrupt politicians

2010-02-21T05:09:00.008Z

Hmmmm, it seems that Ewan McGregor has got a bee in his bonnet over the UK's "disgusting" tabloids and "despicable" politicians.

Now, if we examine this story very closely indeed, we can see why McGregor might call the tabloids disgusting. For a start, they are: they spread vicious rumours, they pry into people's personal lives, they tend to be sexist, racist and homophobic, and they have a very low opinion of their readership. They also recently (and I know you'll find this hard to believe) exposed a story about a certain Scottish high-profile actor who's been having it off with some bird behind his wife's back. Allegedly.

So at least he has some first-hand knowledge of how awful the tabloid press is, which makes him more than qualified to comment. But why would McGregor launch a similar attack on politicians?

"I'm not that interested in politicians," he said. "I don't really believe
in them very much. In Britain, anyway, they seem to prove over and over that
they're people that are not particularly trustworthy. I find them just to be
fairly despicable people."

He has a point - the expenses scandal, in particular, has proved that some of our politicians are corrupt beyond belief. But Ewan, you can't express an opinion that tars every single politician in Britain with the same brush, just moments after you've claimed not to be interested in them. If you have no interest, you're just spouting nonsense to your susceptible fans, of which there are many (I LOVE YOU, EWAN!).

The more people believe that politicians are all the same scum-sucking bottom-feeders underneath the spin, the fewer people turn out to vote. Or worse, they vote BNP as a silly "protest".

Having said that, he was brilliant in Shallow Grave, and I met him once and he gave me his autograph. So I am pretty torn up inside over this issue.

Russell Grant on local government

2010-02-10T12:56:00.005Z

Astrologer Russell Grant has just appeared on The Daily Politics to discuss how local government administration erodes our sense of identity. Honestly, I was just watching it. Ask Andrew Neil - he'll back me up.

Grant had made a little introductory film on the subject (you can watch it here) in which he strode around a model village like something out of Attack Of The 50ft Camp Vicar, making jokes about sat-nav. His point seemed to be that, sometimes, people's bins are collected by a council that isn't their own, and this way madness lies.

He seems to know what he's talking about (he's even written a book on all this), but this is what happens when you're the only person in the UK who cares about a particular cause - suddenly you're the country's leading expert.

And it's hardly surprising that he assumes he'll be taken seriously - the man has built a career on talking nonsense while everyone around him tries to keep a straight face. "Oh really, you say Pinner is in Middlesex not Harrow? How interesting. And what's this about the moon being in Uranus? *Splutter*... I'm sorry, I had a bit of sandwich in my throat. Do carry on."

Jane McDonald on immigration

2010-02-10T00:16:00.009Z

A couple of direct quotes from Jane McDonald (the brunette one on the end), which she made during a typically in-depth Loose Women discussion on 'broken Britain' today*:

"I know I'm going to get absolutely anihilated for this, but everybody in the
world thinks we're 'great' Britain, and that's why everybody's coming here. All
we want in Britain is fairness for the people who live here."

"We are known as a soft touch. Everybody knows they can come here and get
housing and benefits and everything else, and I think we should start looking
after our own a little bit now."

Of course, she didn't get anihilated for either of those comments - there wasn't time. To her credit, presenter Kate Thornton (youngest ever editor of Smash Hits, fact fans) did point out that McDonald had a slightly Daily Mail-skewed view of things, and that many of the doctors and nurses who work in the NHS she'd just been praising had entered Britain from the other side of the Channel.

McDonald responded by babbling some incoherent rhetoric about "somebody" - "one of our governments, don't care who they are" (what?) - who she implored to "sort it out". She got a round of applause.

* Technically yesterday, but if Jane McDonald can ignore the details, so can I.

Richard Madeley on the campaign trail?

2010-02-09T00:26:00.006Z

MADELEY ALERT.

Since he burst onto the political scene last week with his astonishing and poorly-filmed opinion on Iraq, Richard Madeley has been causing a furore all over my moron radar. In the style of a lazy tabloid journalist, I've been following his tweets. See if you can tell where this is going...

"A little casual abuse coming in on Daily Politics appearance;pretty childish
stuff."

"Just 4 t record,I'm totally a-political.Not partic struck on Cons this time,but
Lab exhausted.Any party wd be after 3 terms.'97 again."

"Revealing tweets to my earlier ones about coming election.Most of you utterly
disillusioned by whole process;no enthusiasm for any party."

"Being muchly asked if I wd stand as indy MP.Nope!Pointless.No influence in
HC,Speaker never calls you,no-one cares after election.Invisible."

Are you thinking what I'm thinking? His ego's a bit dented by perfectly rational people like me having a go at him for his stupid Iraq thing (CHILDISH MY ARSE), then his idiot fans suggest he'd make a good independent MP...? He might say it's "pointless", but he's clearly put some thought into it.

And when people start replying to that last tweet with "Aw but Richard you'd make a brilliant MP and you wouldn't be invisible to me LOL", who knows what might happen...

Further reading: how to become an independent MP.

N-Dubz on family values

2010-02-06T15:34:00.005Z

On a recent edition of This Week, two members of N-Dubz (frankly the holy grail of celeb halfwits) talked out of their arses for ten minutes after an introduction that suggested they might be about to discuss David Cameron's family values policies.

One nugget of information on their political leanings could be salvaged from this: They seemed to agree with Cameron's stance that parenthood is about being nice to your children, not just shoving money in their tiny faces. Next week I expect them to appear on The Sky at Night to nod along while Patrick Moore says something about it being quite black if you look upwards.

Ending on a high, the two gentlemen claimed that they were appearing on the show to make politics more accessible to The Youth. This is very noble of them and, come election day, I hope N-Dubz will lead by example. Rather than getting distracted away from the polling booths by, say, a Deal Or No Deal marathon or a man waving a stick.

The full horrifying interview can be found here: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/programmes/this_week/8461100.stm

(Thanks to Chris for the reminder).

Daniel Radcliffe on voter apathy

2010-02-05T13:24:00.006Z

Last year Daniel Radcliffe, star of some pervy play about a horse, gave an interview to Attitude magazine in which he declared himself a Lib Dem. You couldn't make it up.

Well, he started off saying he was a Lib Dem, claiming "I don't like the New Labour thing", and "David Cameron is barely distinguishable from Tony Blair". So what makes the Lib Dems different, Radders? Come on - inspire us! "I rather like Nick Clegg", he opines. Well that's me convinced.

He goes on to say, "I think the reason why people don't vote is because the politicians are all so central now, it doesn't seem to matter who you vote for." Quite right, and who better to get us away from that boring middle ground than the Lib Dems?

To be fair to Radders, it's brilliant to see a young role model taking an interest, and he does seem to have put a bit of thought into it - at least he knows the name of the Lib Dem leader, and who else can really say the same? Not me.

Victoria Beckham on everything

2010-02-04T23:50:00.005Z

Courtesy of @Sarahlmorgan on Twitter: "Oxfam had a giant stack of The Face from when I was a teen. Posh Spice says she's a tory!"

Don't worry, I'm keeping track of all this (who's rightwing, who's leftwing, etc) - the Morons' Manifesto Super Celeb Political Opinionometer is currently in production.

Dizzee Rascal on Obama

2010-02-04T18:56:00.008Z

Old news just in: Dizzee Rascal likes Barack Obama because he is black, and thinks that a political uprising similar to Obama's victory could happen in the UK. Speaking immediately after the 2008 US election, Rascal, 24, stated that "if you believe, you can achieve, innit?" while Jeremy Paxman looked on, amused and appalled.

So, could it happen in the UK? Dizzee will no doubt be pleased to hear that, since the 2005 election, the House of Commons has been host to 15 non-white MPs, which is a whopping two percent of the total. 13 of these are Labour members, and two are Tory. Unfortunately none of them seem to be in the running for Prime Minister just yet, but I'm sure an inspirational hip-hop political anthem will change all that.

(Thanks to Laura for the link).

Richard Madeley on Iraq

2010-02-04T17:55:00.002Z

Just when you thought you'd never hear an answer to the question "how does Richard Madeley feel about the Iraq war?", Richard Madeley comes along and explains how he feels about the Iraq war. I am so thrilled at this, I literally don't know who to punch with gratitude first.

Of course, as one big question is answered, another comes along, namely Tony Blair's "2010 question": if we hadn't gone to war, where would we be now? Madeley soberly insists that none of Blair's detractors have given a satisfactory answer to this question, and he's probably right, what with it requiring the use of a time machine.