Gary Barlow on OH NO DON'T MAKE ME SAY IT I CAN'T SAY IT

Gary Barlow is supporting the Tories.

Here's a Sky News link to coverage of Barlow actually SINGING 'Greatest Day' at some sort of Conservative rally in Cheshire. *Deletes that song from iPod forever*

According to this article in the Crewe Chronicle, the performance took place at Brine Leas High School, where "children mobbed Conservative party leader David Cameron and Take That star Gary Barlow". Mobbing by association, Cammo - that's pretty low.

When Mark Owen admitted all those affairs and drinking and whatnot, I considered what this would mean for my Take That fandom. They should be touring next year - should I refuse to buy a ticket in protest? And then I thought "no, that would go against my principles - he has atoned for his sins and paid the price. He doesn't need me to judge him." Unfortunately, unless Barlow similarly atones for this disgraceful behaviour, I will have to think again.

A Tory rally at a SCHOOL. I ask you. We're supposed to get more right-wing as we get older - if those kids join the National Front as soon as they turn 18, Barlow will only have himself to blame.

Piers Morgan on David Cameron

Tinned-ham-faced berk Piers Morgan has "hit out" at David Cameron for refusing to be interviewed by him, calling Cammo a "coward". Strong words, Morgan. Strong words.

Piers told Star magazine that Dave "could have had me but he went with Trevor McDonald," sounding a little like a rejected ex. Too right, Piers - you're worth a hundred Trevor McDonalds. Don't you listen to that nasty Tory bastard, it's his loss. One day you'll meet another political leader who really appreciates you, and then you'll be all "Dave who?".

"It's like [Cameron] being asked to do Jeremy Paxman but ending up with Fern Britton," he wailed. It's really not, Piers. It's like him choosing to be interviewed by a Tory supporter rather than a Labour one. It's the first logical thing he's done in years.

Michael Caine on national citizen service

Today Dave "Cammo" Cameron wheeled in professional cockney Michael Caine to help unveil a new thing called a "Tory policy". Heavens, they really are taking this election thing seriously.

Cammo would apparently like to introduce a cross between boot camp and spring break for post-GCSE kids. Voluntary, of course. So basically, a way in which parents can get rid of their moody teenagers for a couple of months if their moody teenagers are okay with it.

At today's press conference, Sir Michael said that the idea would help
young people who are "forgotten in this country" (by allowing their parents
to forget about them too). He added, "there is a very very hard core of [young]
people we have got to save."

"I'm here to represent young people", babbled Caine with his jowls
flapping about like poorly-ironed Union Jacks in the wind, "who, as I know
from personal experience, are deprived and ignored. And if you do that, they
will fight you." He also claimed that he'd be voting Tory in May. You
can watch part of his speech on the BBC website here.

Much as I dislike Caine, some of what he said made a bit of sense - I'm not sure he's putting his eggs in the right basket here, but at least he cares.

It's Cameron's rhetoric I really object to. The BBC quotes him thus: "Show me a gang taking drugs and I'll show you a group of people who have nothing to look forward to". Yeah well, show me a group of Tory MPs and I'll raise you a party that doesn't rely on cheap tricks and assume all disaffected young people would benefit from joining the army. I don't know where I'll find that party, exactly - I'm just saying.

N-Dubz on family values

On a recent edition of This Week, two members of N-Dubz (frankly the holy grail of celeb halfwits) talked out of their arses for ten minutes after an introduction that suggested they might be about to discuss David Cameron's family values policies.

One nugget of information on their political leanings could be salvaged from this: They seemed to agree with Cameron's stance that parenthood is about being nice to your children, not just shoving money in their tiny faces. Next week I expect them to appear on The Sky at Night to nod along while Patrick Moore says something about it being quite black if you look upwards.

Ending on a high, the two gentlemen claimed that they were appearing on the show to make politics more accessible to The Youth. This is very noble of them and, come election day, I hope N-Dubz will lead by example. Rather than getting distracted away from the polling booths by, say, a Deal Or No Deal marathon or a man waving a stick.

The full horrifying interview can be found here: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/programmes/this_week/8461100.stm

(Thanks to Chris for the reminder).