Michael Caine on national citizen service

Today Dave "Cammo" Cameron wheeled in professional cockney Michael Caine to help unveil a new thing called a "Tory policy". Heavens, they really are taking this election thing seriously.

Cammo would apparently like to introduce a cross between boot camp and spring break for post-GCSE kids. Voluntary, of course. So basically, a way in which parents can get rid of their moody teenagers for a couple of months if their moody teenagers are okay with it.

At today's press conference, Sir Michael said that the idea would help
young people who are "forgotten in this country" (by allowing their parents
to forget about them too). He added, "there is a very very hard core of [young]
people we have got to save."

"I'm here to represent young people", babbled Caine with his jowls
flapping about like poorly-ironed Union Jacks in the wind, "who, as I know
from personal experience, are deprived and ignored. And if you do that, they
will fight you." He also claimed that he'd be voting Tory in May. You
can watch part of his speech on the BBC website here.

Much as I dislike Caine, some of what he said made a bit of sense - I'm not sure he's putting his eggs in the right basket here, but at least he cares.

It's Cameron's rhetoric I really object to. The BBC quotes him thus: "Show me a gang taking drugs and I'll show you a group of people who have nothing to look forward to". Yeah well, show me a group of Tory MPs and I'll raise you a party that doesn't rely on cheap tricks and assume all disaffected young people would benefit from joining the army. I don't know where I'll find that party, exactly - I'm just saying.

Peta Todd on finding a polling station

My attention has been drawn to another little video made by Radio 1's Newsbeat - like the "what would you do if you were PM?" video but more mental. It stars "Page 3 stunnah" Peta Todd (the above photo was the only suitable one I could find) and it tells first-time voters how to vote.

I am not complaining about the idea of this. Encouraging young people to vote is good, as I believe I've mentioned before. Presumably the keywords "23-year-old glamour model video" will get a lot of young men to pay attention, although perhaps not for long.

The instructions themselves, though, are ridiculous. Not only does Peta guide us through a website where we can register to vote without giving the actual name of the organisation or the site's URL, she also doesn't really seem to understand how one finds one's polling station. And I quote...

"On election day, keep your eyes peeled for big signs like this that say
'polling station' [points to sheet of paper saying POLLING STATION] -
they'll probably be in a school or a hall or something like that."

Excellent advice, Peta. If I somehow wander into a bogus polling station on May 6th and get beaten to death by a politically-motivated psychopath I will blame YOU.

By the way, that website where you can register to vote is this one. Heaven knows why the BBC can't promote it - perhaps it's not mad or 'yoof-oriented' enough and would show the Peta Todd video up for the insane idea it truly is. The Peta Todd video can be found here.

Various people on various stupid things

The BBC recently asked a load of minor celebs what they'd do if they were Prime Minister for the day, and somehow managed to get less sense out of them than Heat got out of Alex Reid. Seriously.

Ricky Whittle would have a National Jelly Wrestling Day.

Sheree Murphy would give out free shoes.

Jamelia would force everyone to sing.

Emily Atack would find out whether aliens exist (not by ploughing more money into science - by sneaking around looking at all the secret Area 51 files, of course!).

Even the previously intelligent James May (JAMES MAY!) claimed that he'd declare "party time" in every UK park and public space. Because apparently that's what everyone wants. Bugger the economy - free booze all round.

When I first watched this clip (which is here if you really want to torture yourself), I misread the heading and assumed it was for Newsround, which has a target audience of 6-12 year olds. It's not - it's for NewsBEAT, part of the Radio 1 output, whose target audience is 16-24 year olds. Voting age, mainly.

Presumably every interviewee was told who they were talking to, and yet none of them could muster up an intelligent response. Why is this? Are celebs so terrified of seeming boring that they can't be serious just for a second? Or do they think this patronising drivel is what young people want to hear?

It would be nice if just one of them had said something clever - perhaps even something slightly political, or at least slightly interesting - something that might encourage a young voter to find out more about a topic. Clearly not.

What really bugs me is that some of them are intelligent, with quite strongly-held political views and probably a fair idea of what they'd do with a day of power. Why don't they share it with the rest of us? James May has nothing to lose by appearing fusty or boring, or even Conservative - DO IT, you coward. Get young people talking about politics - they'll thank you for it in the end. Jamelia presented a documentary a while back about the trade in hair extensions made from real human hair. It was rubbish, but it shows that she wants to be taken seriously - why not take this opportunity to say something about the exploitation you saw in India, Jamelia? DO IT.

When I was 17 (it was a very good year), back in the Blair / Britpop days, the NME asked a bunch of popstars to comment on what they'd do if they were in power for a day. They tried their best; they gave considered responses; most of them didn't have a clue about the intricacies of party politics but that was fine - neither did I. What they did have was a passion for democracy and for the role of politicians in creating a fairer society, and the balls to speak out. And the NME was one of a few publications that didn't treat its young readers like idiots. It declared Nicky Wire the PM of its "fantasy cabinet" and fired up thousands of readers' interest in politics, including mine.

Call me stupid, but I just don't think Holly Willoughby's tough stance on sugar-free chocolate bars is going to do the same thing for anyone.

Alex Reid on education

On the very day that Gordon Brown finally announced the actual date that we're expected to place our votes (spoiler alert: May 6th), Alex Reid has told the world that he wants to run for PM. Oh excellent.

In an interview with Heat (yes, Heat - not Newsnight, unfair as it might seem), "The Reidinator" claimed to have some kind of knowledge about the national curriculum and how it should be altered to fit in with his worldview.

Excuse me if I retch while quoting.

"I'd consider going into politics. Prime Minister! I'd like that. I'd do it in
2013, 13 is my lucky number.
"I would change the school curriculum so kids
would learn more personal development things so they don't get depressed. I'd
also teach martial arts in schools because it's a brilliant way to bring kids
together.
"Also, I think people shouldn't work. People should do what they
love and then it's not work."

Fascinating and, I'm sure you'll agree, comprehensive. I await a gazillion imbeciles going "well I'd vote for him! He's well sexier than that Gordon Brahn, innit? LOLZ."

You can vote for Alex Reid by simply vomiting onto your ballot paper and then screwing it up into a tiny ball. Everyone will know what you mean.

Sarah Cawood and Mz Bratt on the National Bullying Helpline

So, Sarah Cawood has resigned from her post as patron of the National Bullying Helpline. When I reported this yesterday, I hoped that she'd release a statement. The Press Association has quoted her thus:

"In light of the recent events where confidential phone calls were made public,
I feel it is no longer a campaign with which I would like my name to be
associated."

It's not much, but it's better than nothing.

In weirder news, the only "patron" of the charity not to have made a big song and dance about leaving has been Mz Bratt... who is a singer, apparently. (I'm 29). Her name appears last on the National Bullying Helpline website's list of patrons, but her management is denying that she is one, or has ever been one. Bratt herself is claiming (on her Twitter feed) that media enquiries about the scandal have come completely out of the blue.

*Scratches chin*. Hmmmm... anyone would think there was something dodgy going on.

Sarah Cawood on Brown's "bullying"

You probably know that the last few days have seen Gordon Brown accused of bullying his staff. Since these allegations have surfaced, Christine Pratt of the National Bullying Helpline has been speaking to the media about her charity receiving "three or four" calls from Brown's staff.

This piece by Ben Goldacre addresses some of the reasons why Christine Pratt and the National Bullying Helpline shouldn't necessarily be trusted. For one thing, the charity isn't exactly politically unbiased - there are quotes from David Cameron and Ann Widdecombe on the website's homepage, for instance. And it seems more than a little strange that such a tiny charity should have received so many calls from one workplace.

Pratt is unafraid to breach the confidentiality of her callers by revealing who their employers are, but hides behind her so-called privacy policy in her many interviews now that she's out of her depth.

"Why does this have anything to do with Sarah Cawood?", I hear you ask. Well, the delightful TV presenter (and part-time actor - she was in Velvet Goldmine with Ewan McGregor) has been patron of the National Bullying Helpline since August 2009.

She probably joined the charity because she thought it represented a good cause, and perhaps bullying has affected her own life. But she was incredibly quick to take action on this: her PR has just announced that she has stepped down as patron. This may or may not have anything to do with her political opinions - it could be about her own image - but it shows that she doesn't agree with the charity's actions, and that's definitely a good thing. Well done, Sarah.

Let's hope she backs up her decision with a statement soon - if she feels she has enough influence to represent a charity in the media, she should be equally happy to set a good example by speaking out when that charity does something she disapproves of.

Jason Manford on Labour election promises

Another Twitter exchange for you...

Ed Miliband (Secretary of State for Energy and Climate Change, and MP for
Doncaster North): I want to hear your ideas on what you want to see in our
manifesto.

Jason Manford (comedian): I want a Lemonade fountain on every street corner
& rope slides instead of buses.

Ed Miliband: Thanks! I'll see what I can do.

Jason Manford: Think @EdMilibandMP just won my vote, top fella.

I'll be looking out for this in the Labour manifesto. By the way, I'm not saying Manford is a moron for doing this - he's drawn attention to Miliband's generous offer, probably among lots of young voters, which is brilliant. I, for one, am currently working on a list of policies to send in.

If you want to make any suggestions, follow this link or contact him on Twitter.

Ewan McGregor on corrupt politicians

Hmmmm, it seems that Ewan McGregor has got a bee in his bonnet over the UK's "disgusting" tabloids and "despicable" politicians.

Now, if we examine this story very closely indeed, we can see why McGregor might call the tabloids disgusting. For a start, they are: they spread vicious rumours, they pry into people's personal lives, they tend to be sexist, racist and homophobic, and they have a very low opinion of their readership. They also recently (and I know you'll find this hard to believe) exposed a story about a certain Scottish high-profile actor who's been having it off with some bird behind his wife's back. Allegedly.



So at least he has some first-hand knowledge of how awful the tabloid press is, which makes him more than qualified to comment. But why would McGregor launch a similar attack on politicians?

"I'm not that interested in politicians," he said. "I don't really believe
in them very much. In Britain, anyway, they seem to prove over and over that
they're people that are not particularly trustworthy. I find them just to be
fairly despicable people."

He has a point - the expenses scandal, in particular, has proved that some of our politicians are corrupt beyond belief. But Ewan, you can't express an opinion that tars every single politician in Britain with the same brush, just moments after you've claimed not to be interested in them. If you have no interest, you're just spouting nonsense to your susceptible fans, of which there are many (I LOVE YOU, EWAN!).

The more people believe that politicians are all the same scum-sucking bottom-feeders underneath the spin, the fewer people turn out to vote. Or worse, they vote BNP as a silly "protest".

Having said that, he was brilliant in Shallow Grave, and I met him once and he gave me his autograph. So I am pretty torn up inside over this issue.

Russell Grant on local government

Astrologer Russell Grant has just appeared on The Daily Politics to discuss how local government administration erodes our sense of identity. Honestly, I was just watching it. Ask Andrew Neil - he'll back me up.

Grant had made a little introductory film on the subject (you can watch it here) in which he strode around a model village like something out of Attack Of The 50ft Camp Vicar, making jokes about sat-nav. His point seemed to be that, sometimes, people's bins are collected by a council that isn't their own, and this way madness lies.

He seems to know what he's talking about (he's even written a book on all this), but this is what happens when you're the only person in the UK who cares about a particular cause - suddenly you're the country's leading expert.

And it's hardly surprising that he assumes he'll be taken seriously - the man has built a career on talking nonsense while everyone around him tries to keep a straight face. "Oh really, you say Pinner is in Middlesex not Harrow? How interesting. And what's this about the moon being in Uranus? *Splutter*... I'm sorry, I had a bit of sandwich in my throat. Do carry on."

Jane McDonald on immigration

A couple of direct quotes from Jane McDonald (the brunette one on the end), which she made during a typically in-depth Loose Women discussion on 'broken Britain' today*:

"I know I'm going to get absolutely anihilated for this, but everybody in the
world thinks we're 'great' Britain, and that's why everybody's coming here. All
we want in Britain is fairness for the people who live here."

"We are known as a soft touch. Everybody knows they can come here and get
housing and benefits and everything else, and I think we should start looking
after our own a little bit now."

Of course, she didn't get anihilated for either of those comments - there wasn't time. To her credit, presenter Kate Thornton (youngest ever editor of Smash Hits, fact fans) did point out that McDonald had a slightly Daily Mail-skewed view of things, and that many of the doctors and nurses who work in the NHS she'd just been praising had entered Britain from the other side of the Channel.

McDonald responded by babbling some incoherent rhetoric about "somebody" - "one of our governments, don't care who they are" (what?) - who she implored to "sort it out". She got a round of applause.

* Technically yesterday, but if Jane McDonald can ignore the details, so can I.